PM Brown Meets A Real Life Moral Compass

I love it when politicians, or in fact anyone it seems, meets the Holy Father, they have a look on their face that reminds you of a little schoolboy meeting their favourite footballer, even though their 'moral compass' is on quite a few areas, at polar opposites. Meeting the Holy Father, it seems, makes people behave a bit like this...


The press are reporting that Brown 'invited' His Holiness for a Papal visit to the United Kingdom, where he would be warmly welcomed in all parts of the country. The Vatican have been cool in their response to the prospect...Can you blame the Holy Father for not answering 'yes' straight away? I mean, why would anyone want to come to this country? Maybe if PM Gordon Brown wasn't so determined to turn the UK into a police state the country would be more appealing.

I expect the conversation might have gone a bit like this:

Prime Minister Brown: "Your Holiness...I think I speak on behalf of the British people (even though I wasn't actually elected and I and my cabinet colleagues ride roughshod over public opinion on all matters) when I say, it would be wonderful if you could come and visit our country."

Pope Benedict XVI: "Ah yes, as Pope St Gregory the Great said, your countrymen are not 'angles', no but 'angels'! What will I need to bring?"

Prime Minister Brown: "Ah, right, you'll need to bring yourself, obviously, err, your passport, a small viol of saliva or urine would be helpful, so we can get your DN...I mean, err. Also, remember no more than 100ml of toothpaste. You know, for all we know you could be the toothpaste bomber, or, err, anyway, you can't take too many precautions. Also, if you could bring a camera for your memories, but don't, don't Holy Father, take a picture of our policemen because you could get 15 years for that. I know it sounds harsh, Your Holiness, but you can't take too many precautions with these terrorists."

Pope Benedict XVI: "Every now and then I like to smoke."

Prime Minister Brown: "Ah, yes, bit of a problem there too, Your Holiness. We've banned smoking everywhere but outside in the pissing rain and cold."

Pope Benedict XVI: "That seems a bit extreme."

Prime Minister Brown: "Ah, yes, Your Holiness, but we can't have smoke in pubs or cafes or restaurants, or phone boxes, or Heaven forbid, railway stations or airports, or anywhere else you might like to smoke, because..."

Pope Benedict XVI: "Because?"

Prime Mininster Brown: "Because...err, it isn't healthy. I mean, we believe in health in the UK. And smoking isn't healthy is it Your Holiness?"

Pope Benedict XVI: "Anything else I can't do while on my stay?"

Prime Minister Brown: "Don't drink a can of lager outside, Your Holiness, or beg...No, Holy Father, we take street drinking and begging very seriously in the UK. We slap ASBOs on the poor beggars left right and centre, and then if they disobey we sling their sorry asses in jail. But it is all for the greater good and tourism of course. All of these things make some people think the Labour Party are turning the UK into a kind of stasi-esque totalitarian state, but it isn't true. Our citizens can have as many gay civil partnerships, divorces or abortions as they please. See, we're very liberal!

Also, Your Holiness, if you come can you kind of tuck the Cross in a little, under your shirt would be good. You know, we don't want to offend anyone like people of other religions or militant atheists who get hot under the collar about seeing a living example of Christianity. Actually, if you could just tone down the whole Christianity thing in general, that would be helpful.

Oh yes, Your Holiness, you'd be so welcome in our peaceful, tolerant and hospitable land, this land, 'Our Lady's Dowry', converted by St Augustine of Canterbury as advised, as you say, by Pope St Gregory the Great!"

Pope Benedict XVI: "Thank you for your kind offer, I think my diary is full at the moment."