|"Nice to see you! To see you..." All respond: "Nice!"|
Already, the people are asking who could possibly succeed Pope Francis the Humble I. Who can work the crowds like Francis? Who can possibly be more humble and fantastic than Francis the Humble? Who could possibly fill those black shoes? Who has the humility, but the ambition also to take over from the man who crushed the dissenting, schismatic followers of the German Pope whose name was scratched out of the official Vatican list of Pontiffs?
|Nichols undergoes intensive baby-kissing training|
A clue may lie in this picture taken when Archbishop Vincent Nichols visited Rome soon after the election of Francis the Humble I. Graciously humble, but with an ambition that exceeds even the ambition of the Bergoglio papal court, Vincent Nichols is the bookies' favourite to succeed Francis and complete the transformation of the Catholic Church in the 21st century, updating the Bride of Christ to meet the modern needs of modern man in all his modern relativistic glory. Already, Saatchi and Saatchi are working in collaboration with Vincent Nichols' team of Westminster PR experts on how to brand the Archbishop of Vincent Nichols in his election campaign to become Pope - the first English Successor St Peter since Adrian IV.
|Artists impression of how Archbishop Vincent Nichols would look as Pope|
Understanding that humility is reflected in public image, rather than in an interior appreciation of our smallness and dependence in the face of the greatness of an Omnipotent God, the Saatchi team will be styling Vincent along the lines of Francis, but with the quintessential englishness that brought such figures as Hugh Laurie, Hugh Grant and Mr Bean popularity and acclaim in the USA.
In honour of Fr Timothy Radcliffe, the Dominican scholar and chaplain to The Tablet's dinner parties who enjoys pushing the boundaries of Catholic teaching beyond stretching point, as well as the 'nearly-ever-so-nearly' man of English lawn tennis, Tim Henman, the PR gurus are grooming Nichols to name himself Pope Tim. Very quickly, they claim, the Roman public as well as the English speaking world would soon discover how 'nice' new Pope Tim is and, from the balcony, as 'Habemus Papem' rang around St Peter's, the newly elected Pope Tim would walk out to greet the crowd. Exceeding the humility of Francis, who said, 'Good evening' and 'pray for me for God's blessing' on the night of his election to the Chair of Peter, Pope Tim would ingratiate himself with the Roman crowd by announcing, in that manner so beloved of Bruce Forsythe, 'Nice to see you...to see you..." at which the Roman crowd reply, "Nice!".
|Flourishing in new role: Vice Poppette, Cardinal Tina Beattie|
Enraptured crowds would then cry out in delight as Pope Tim would exclaim, 'It's good to be here. All you need is love. Love is all you need.' At this point, Pope Tim would introduce, 'My beautiful assistant', the first female Cardinal and 'Vice Poppette', Cardinal Tina Beattie. Her role in the Church of the future would be to usher in a new and glorious age of marginal musing, a 'Final (no we really mean it this time) Vatican Council' and reforming measures that would see the Catholic Church renamed the 'Roman Institute for the New Age of Universal Human Flourishing', a cause that would be placed under the patronage and protection of Mother Earth. Devotion to the Blessed Mother of God would enjoy less favour under Pope Tim, with many images of Our Lady replaced by iconography of Cardinal Tina Beatie breastfeeding the Planet, protecting it from climate change. The model for the new Church would be similar to that of the Quaker Meeting House, but with less gold, less silence, but more packets of hobnobs available to the throngs of people wanting to become members of the new Church, such as Anglo-Catholics, Catholic Atheists, Catholic Islamists, Catholic Jews, Catho-Buddhists and Satanic Catholics.
|Nichols undergoes ecumenical training|
Quickly then, the Archbishop, with a stunning electoral mandate for reform from the World's Cardinals would be dubbed 'Pope Tim the Nice'. With rumours fast spreading around the world's Catholic blogs that the era under Francis had come to an end amid reports that Nichols refused Francis's black shoes saying, "As The Carpenters sang, 'We've only just begun' so, let's get this party started", it would soon become apparent that Nichols wished to follow the footsteps of Francis's humility, but make sure the World knew that he was his 'own man'.
|Artists impression of the rapturous election of Pope Tim|
The Golden Age of The Tablet
Very soon, copies of The Tablet would be seen for sale in St Peters Basillica and across the World too, in the new dawn of the Catholic Church, in all the different languages of the World, with a special Latin edition produced for the enjoyment of die-hard traditionalists every year who had been reconciled to the Church after the Great and Very Terrible but Humble Purge of 2015-17 under Francis the Humble. A new oath that required them to 'hold their tongues' in exchange for a measure of acceptance in the Church of the future would guarantee the protection of traditionalists who were docile to 'the great spirit of the New Age'. Henceforth, the remaining traditional Catholics who had not been starved off the face of the earth would be allowed eat and drink and have their children returned to them, so long as no criticism of the new direction of the Church surfaced online.
|A new golden age under Pope Tim the Nice|
With a simple message of peace and love drawing upon the works of Bob Marley, The Beatles and other popular music artists from the era, Pope Tim the Nice would, in the minds of image consultants and PR experts, make a valuable contribution to the vision of the Catholic Church of the future with a gentle, moderate, less insulting, quietly reforming papacy that would capture the imagination of the World, still mourning the end of the most humble and self-effacing papacy in Church history. Saatchi and Saatchi predict that a moderate and sensible Englishman will bring a period of stablility and 'normalisation' to the Catholic Church after the upheavals of the Francis era. The first exhortation of Pope Tim is likely to be entitled, 'Veritas in Temperantia, Comprimissum in Opes', in English, 'Truth in Moderation, Compromise in Abundance'. The only question now, is will Archbishop Vincent Nichols and Dr Tina Beattie glide smoothly into St Peter's, Rome, as Saatchi and Saatchi have planned?
|PR firm claim a similar mock up ski slope could be used for the Vincent and Tina 'Dream Ticket' in St Peter's Square|