New Word for Marriage Announced

'Civil Partnerhips' and 'Marriage' are to be exchanged in meaning...

Catholic commentators and others concerned that 'Same-Sex Marriage' threatens the destruction of the institution of marriage itself have received more bad news this week.

A radical think tank in London called Wallstone is advising the Government this year over new ways of interpreting the institution of marriage among the confusion of 'same-sex marriages' and 'not-same-sex marriages'.

Sen Bummerskill, a policy adviser for Wallstone, was effusive in discussing the new aspect to marriage redefinition that could be brought in as early as 2014.

 "We are coming up with some really interesting and radical policy proposals at the moment that could find a way through the potential confusion caused to society by the extension of marital rights to people of the same gender. So far, the best idea we have come up with is that of renaming and reframing marriage as an institution. Basically, in order to save confusion over the definition of marriage, with all the potential clauses and pitfalls of consummation, adultery and divorce, we advise that the Government seriously consider re-naming same-sex marriage as simply 'Marriage'. In turn, therefore, it only makes sense, in an age when heterosexual couples seem to take heterosexual marriage less seriously, that what we now know as 'Marriage' be renamed as 'Civil Partnerships'."

While conceding that the new dimension to the proposal was controversial in nature, the policy adviser recalled the day on which the radical think tank came up with the elusive, breakthrough idea.

"It's an amazing new dimension that came about after much hard thought", he said.  "There we were, sitting around racking our brains, having been given yet another cash injection from the Rockefeller and Ford Foundations - as well as some public money to boot - in order to brainstorm a new path through the thicket caused by marriage equality. We were all scratching our heads when, suddenly, we realised the answer was there in front of our eyes all the time."

"Part of the conflict has been about the word 'Marriage' - there has been a battle over this word as well as the confusion extending these loving commitment rights could cause to a society that traditionally understood marriage as a union open to children. Critics of the 'same-sex marriage' proposal have, for a while now, been insisting that if we call two men or two women entering into a loving union and commitment 'a marriage' then we need to find a new word for 'Marriage'. We are happy to be advising the Government along these lines and are delighted that we seem to have come up with a definitive solution that will make the heterosexual community, as well as gays and lesbians - and the Churches too - happy and reassured about the new state of play in the country. Currently, heterosexuals can't have Civil Partnerships. Gays and lesbians can't have Marriage. This proposal will see heterosexuals get what they want and gays and lesbians get what they want. Everyone's a winner!"

While nobody from the Bishops Conference of England and Wales was available for comment, a spokesperson for  the relentlessly and ludicrously bigoted, vitriolic and hateful Campaign for Marriage organisation, currently spearheading resistance to the proposal to extend marital rights to all, commented, "You're joking, right?"