Catholeaks: More Damaging Headlines for the Church

Rome: Has it been 'sacked' again by Catholeaks?
The Catholeaks phenomenom, currently taking the Catholic world by storm, continues to throw up incredible headlines, leaving the Hierarchy of the One True Church in disarray, as a clerical team of Rome's online media hackers try to attack the controversial websites domain.

Leaks from sources in the Church, which have fallen into the hands of Justin Ordinarytime, founder of Catholeaks, continue to stream live onto the websites of liberal Catholic newspapers, such as The Catholic Slimes and The Multiverse.
It is hard to keep up with the leaks being revealed every minute of every day, but here are a selection of some of the more shocking headlines being banded about the liberal press, headlines which will surprise many and rock the Church built on St Peter and the Apostles to Her foundations...
  • Pope Believes 75% Of Worldwide Episcopal Conferences 'Dominated By Freemasonry', Estimate is Too Low Says Top CDF Insider
  • CDF Cardinal: 'The Tablet Destroys Faith Of Christ, More Toxic than Pyongyang's Nuclear Programme, More Dangerous Than Korean Peninsula'
  • Some Bishops Deliberately Covered Up Abuse Cases Out of 'Fear of Damaged Reputations'
  • English Bishop Claimed 'Dog Ate' His Copy Of Summorum Pontificum, Another Claimed he 'Thought It Was Chinese Take Away Menu', Another 'Used It for Paper Aeroplanes' and Another 'Rolling Papers for Tobacco'
  • Top English Bishop: Feast of Christmas Should Be Renamed 'All Faiths and None Day', Asks 'What's With this Obsession with Christ? Buddha Was Wise Teacher Too'
  • Low Demand for Traditional Latin Mass Because Vast Majority of Laity Asking for it Were 'Buried in Crypts of Parish Churches, Never Heard of Again'
  • High Ranking Bishop Says Praying to Virgin Mary Is 'Stupid and Pointless', asked 'How Can God Have a Mother?'
  • Top Vatican Cardinal: '70% of Catholic Priests and Religious Are 'New Age Gurus', Though Percentage 'Could be Much Higher, Just Look at their Vestments'
  • Top English Bishop Claimed it is 'Pointless Talking to Young People About Salvation, Why Not Try Climate Change Instead?'
  • Bishops Conference Discussed 'Celebrating Christmas in Summer and Easter in Early Autumn' to 'Make Things More Convenient for Faithful in Cold Winters', Considered 'Dropping' All Souls Day Totally Because 'What's the Point in Praying for the Dead Anyway? After all, They're Dead.'
  • Hans Kung 'Hit the Bottle and Contemplated Suicide' When Ratzinger Was Elected Pope
  • Dissenting Theologian, Tina Beatty, 'Is Editor of Cosmo and on Board of Directors of Durex', Claims Her Yogi
  • Vatican: Catholic Education Service Should be Renamed 'Association for the Redistribution of Sexual Experiences (ARSE)' or 'Gnostic Association for Youth Sex Education Xecutive (GAYSEX), or just 'Connexions'
  • Cherie Blair believes Husband, Tony, Should be Pope, Mr Blair 'Not Opposed in Principle to Idea', Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor Said to be 'Enthusiastic About Possibility'
  • Priest Asked Another Priest in Deanery Meeting, 'What is the Real Presence? I Always Thought It Was Just Bread and Wine.'
  • Pope: Third Secret of Fatima 'Probably Not Yet Fully Revealed', Sang "Zer Could Be Trouble Ahead, But Vile Zer's Museek Unt Love Unt..." to High Ranking Cardinal, in D minor, while playing grand piano
  • Popular Blogging Priest on Transparency of Bishops Conference: 'Ah, yes. Now We See Through a Glass Darkly...'
  • High Ranking Cardinal: 'If Antichrist Were Revealed Today, 85% of Clergy, Bishops and Faithful Would Probably Worship him, Figure Higher Among Bishops'

The leaks are coming in thick and fast, so stay tuned. Some commentators are aghast at the revelations being published by Catholeaks, while one Catholic blogger has been reported as saying, "This is not news. Please, don't believe the hype. We knew all this already."

Comments

Left-Footer said…
Keep going - it gets better and better.
georgem said…
Even better one.
Time to get back to that library and get out Jerome K Jerome.
sanabituranima said…
"English Bishop Claimed 'Dog Ate' His Copy Of Summorum Pontificum"

HAHAHA!
shadowlands said…
Priest Asked Another Priest in Deanery Meeting, 'What is the Real Presence? I Always Thought It Was Just Bread and Wine.'

Scarily funny, but often true, unfortunately.
LarryD said…
These are very good, Laurence - did you happen to see my post that was similar?

Oh No! Wikileaks Dumps Vatican Secrets!

I hope you enjoy it!