Who Wants to Be a Catholic Voter?

Contestant: "Hmm...How to vote...This is bloody difficult!"

Presenter: "You don't know how to vote? Well, its a tricky one. The election is on a knife edge, we're staring down the barrel of a hung parliament, and casting your vote nowadays is the kind of action that can see your soul either eternally damned or saved. 50-50 or phone a friend?"

Contestant: "We'll try 50-50."

Presenter: "You had Labour, Liberal Democrat, Conservatives and Green. We're going to take two of those away. Okay, we're left with Green or Conservatives because in Brighton Pavillion, like the majority of the UK, every other vote other than the main 4 is a total waste."

Contestant: "I don't know. I hate the Tories, they'll only take my friend's benefits away and close more coal mines and there is no evidence to suggest the 'Big Society' idea will be anything other than a 'Big Brother Society'. Thank God you've taken Labour and Lib Dems away because Labour's record in Catholic terms is abysmal and we know full well that the Lib Dems will destroy Catholic schools, put Dr Evan Harris in charge of child protection and the put the National Secular Society in charge of the Papal Visit, having made Richard Dawkins British Ambassador to the Holy See. They are both horrid, but the Tories will slash public services, make old ladies clean out gutters for their bus passes, rub the faces of the poor in the contents of those gutters and send out teams of thugs to kick cripples on street corners for a laugh."

Presenter: "So, you are going with the Greens?"

Contestant: "I want to. I really want to. The lady helped two of my friends leave a squalid temporary housing hostel which was a total shithole and used her influence to help get them better temporary housing where they can hopefully actually have a shower. I told her I'd vote for someone who stood up for the most vulnerable and persecuted in society and to my total surprise, she did! Obviously, however, she won't change her mind on what she regards as 'women's reproductive rights' overnight. Still, all the parties hate unborn babies, and she has helped my friends, so in a way, if ever a lady could buy my vote she's gone and done it. Crikey! This is hard! What about if I vote for her and then pray daily for her conversion to the Holy Faith so that she changes her mind about abortion? Or maybe now I've met the lady, if she gets elected I can take her around the local abortion clinic and ask them to open their bins..."

Presenter: "It's your choice."

Contestant: "Hang on...A-ha! A new document called 'Choosing The Common Good'! It's a guide to the Election from the Bishops of England and Wales! This will help! Give me a mo'. Uh-huh, yep, uh-huh, right..."

Presenter: "Helpful?"

Contestant: "No, not really. Only four paragraphs on defending human life in the womb, seven on protecting the environment. According to the Archbishop, virtue consists in 'doing good even when nobody is looking'. What, like agreeing to hand our Catholic schools over to the Government so they can pervert our children, when nobody is looking?"

Presenter: "Time is running out..."

Contestant: "Oh Lord. This is agony...Save me, lest I perish. I'll vote for-"

Presenter: "Time out! The gong has gone for the end of the show. Join us next week to see how, as he grapples with his tortured sacred Conscience, our contestant voted. In the meantime, you can send him your views on what to do with his ballot paper, within the bounds of decency, by leaving suggestions in the comments box."

By the way, the woman in the picture was for real. I guess it was nerves.